i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
