I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
