Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
