Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
