Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize