mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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