actually, I'm a sock model
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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