The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
