This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize