I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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