I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
