I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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