just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
