She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
