Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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