i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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