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I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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