My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize