If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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