omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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