I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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