its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
