just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
