Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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