Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
