Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize