I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
