um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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