I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He felt like a one man threesome
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
