So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
