Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
