I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
