I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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