I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
