I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
