you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
