my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
