I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
