Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
