Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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