Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
