Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
