He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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