you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
