Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
