My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize