her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
