im about as happy as oj after his trial
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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