I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
