Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
