it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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