Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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