READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
