he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Congratulations! We have a period
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