well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
