Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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