"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
