i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
