it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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