I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
