I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
